Deadline approching

Olivia will be 3 in October. Saphire will be 12 in July. If math is not your strong suit that is a 9 year and some change difference. Which makes doing anything with both of them a headache. Saphire is at the point were nothing is cool and being with your parents is lame. Although I know she will eventually out grow it, it makes me sad that she may never be close with her sister like other siblings I see close to age with each other, I must accept that it is what it is.
Jeff and I both grew up being extremely spaced out from our siblings. Him being 6 years younger than his siblings and the "save the marriage baby", and I being a teenage pregnancy that of course didn't work out, I am also 6 years older than my oldest younger sister, and 20 years from my youngest sister. Needless to say I am not as close to them as I would like to be. You know, the whole sha-bam, talking about boys, sharing clothes, arguing about bullshit.
With that we sent a deadline last year. Start trying to make another baby in May or not have anymore children at all. May is coming, and although I love the idea, I'm not sure I can do it. I feel guilty throwing Olivia into being the middle child and dividing my time x3. Olivia was also a demanding baby, not that all babies aren't demanding but she wouldn't even let me put her down. She slept with us up until a few weeks ago, and still crawls in bed with us around 5am every night(Secretly, I love it).
I have also been losing weight and seeing a trainer every week, so getting pregnant seems like a huge step back. I want another baby but at the same time it seems so scary. How come I can't just freeze time for one more year?

teen angst

Jesus H Almighty. Having a toddler is a walk in the park compared to raising a tweenager.
Every other word out of Saphire's mouth is whatever and nevermind, and apprently I don't know how to hold my tounge because I refuse to put up with that shit. But now everyone and their freaking mom is telling me I am being too hard on her, and to tell you the truth...sometimes I feel like I am.
Between school work and boys, and getting ready for bed and this that and the other I'm the fucking bully in my 11 year old's life. That makes me fucking depressed. What am I doing, are they right? It's my horrible worse fear for me to fuck up my child as much as my parents screwed me up. I already feel like I've screwed her being a teenage mom and all. I'm just trying to back track that now and make the remaining years as best as possible for her.
Does anyone know where I can get a manual for handling teenagers?
I'll send you my mailing address...